ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
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🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
Sponch
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.