Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
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Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
Did…did a minotaur write this
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.