The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
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professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
#dalle2
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman