My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
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thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
How much for the goth pool noodles?
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours