I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
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I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.