Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
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[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
welp
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
I’ve been drinking.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.