Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
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Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong