Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
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i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
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Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.