Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
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Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
Love this one 😂🧟
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…