*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
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Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.