Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
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TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.