Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
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Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Which wines pair best with gloating?
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that