me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
You Might Also Like
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
Ion see the issue
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.