Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
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The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
I’m giving up for Lent.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise