I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
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*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly