ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
You Might Also Like
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
THIS HEADLINE
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Tier 3 meme
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.