me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
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Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
Looking at you, Jesus.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Stop it! 😂
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.