If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
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Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane