Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
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I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Art by Pastelkatto
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
This headline is a thing of beauty
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?