No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
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[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Well. That’s not a good sign.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills