Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
You Might Also Like
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
My first son he is wonderful