you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
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this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed