I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
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My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Sounds like a bargain
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
How I like cutting carbs
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.