Smells like a challenge to me
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[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think