Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
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Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
dam girl
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao