My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
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I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
rapatouille
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
I’ve had worse
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.