*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
You Might Also Like
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.