*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
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You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
don’t we all
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Awesome parenting 😂
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise