A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
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My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
this… may be the greatest story ever told
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.