One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
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Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
#have a #great #PancakeDay
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
Bread puns are on the rise!
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.