Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
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Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Breaking news:
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
File under excellent bookstore names.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.