I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
You Might Also Like
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?