The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
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Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.