“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
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Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
spicy snake
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
bro what is going on at twitter
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines