When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
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[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
Love it! 👍😂
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh