How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
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“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.