Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
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Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.