[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
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I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.