8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
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Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
forgive me baja for i have blast
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.