At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
You Might Also Like
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
I missed you with all my darts
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
house sitting!
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no