[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
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Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
philosophical skeletons be like
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Muppet Screams