A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
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Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are