funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
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When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back