Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
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We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
The game has officially changed 😎
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.