if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
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Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob