been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
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office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*