So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
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something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
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#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
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[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish