I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
You Might Also Like
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Spring of Deception
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose