My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
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ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks