My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
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Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
can’t wait til they legalize outside
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
why no one uses midhusbands
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂