“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
You Might Also Like
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.