[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
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bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid